Cynthia's Question

Hi mommy! I was wondering a couple things

I remember you adopting me when my real mommy and daddy died.
You were so happy and took me in like I was one of your own.
Then your real kids came home and left me behind but still being under the same roof.
Mommy, Do you still love me?

I remember during a thunder storm, and I was crying out of fear.
The bright light and loud crackle scared me when I was younger.
And during it, I heard a bang on your wall, and then I heard your voice.
You said, "Just Shut UP!" then going back to your room.
Since then, when I hear thunder, I go under my bed to avoid it.
But, recently I wondered...
Mommy, Do you still love me?

When the kids you gave birth to (that's how to phrased it to me when I was young) came back,
I saw your face lit up and looking like the happiest person in the world.
But I didn't realize just how much you would treat me less,
Like putting less and less effort into my christmas presents, even giving me less.
The kids treat me more like a hassle, and I don't know why.
Recently, all I got for christmas was $20, and just watched as the other kids opened their gifts.
I just stared at the bill and just wondered to myself...
Mommy, Do you still love me?

One day, I think it was when I was home and I was in the 3rd - 4th Grade(?),
I felt neglected and started saying "Momma!" because I was feeling neglected.
As I kept saying it, you started walking over to me,
But the only thing I remember was getting several bruises on my face and the back of my head colliding with a shelf.
I don't remember if I drew blood in the back of my head, but I remember you yelling something but it was a bit muffled:
"JUST SHUT UP!"
And so I did, I haven't said a word since and no one as really mind it.
And any time I do try to talk, which is rare now, you always say, "Wait your turn," even when no one talks.
I was thinking about it, as I was walking home from High School, and I just wondered...
Mommy, Do you still love me?

With all this going on, and my head feeling not in the right place, and even getting people starring,
I thought that I needed to so something about it, nothing dramatic but something.
So, I decided to just smile, all the time, trying to show I really loved you.
It worked for a bit, and then I had to stop but now I try to not stop smiling.
My face has been in incredible pain though, and now people avoid to look at me.
But, I think you like it, at least when I go to events with you guys.
I heard thunder in the distance while I'm on my way, and my smile started hurting a lot.
I tried to hold back tears since I figured you of all people don't want to see me cry.
While fighting this pain, I thought...
Mommy, Do you still love me?

I won't lie, I got into a fight a month or 2 ago, because they were saying bad things about Mommy...
Well, the mommy that gave birth to me, and the daddy that died in the line of duty.
Not the daddy that... just ignores everything.
So, I punched her, and then she punched back.
It continued like that as kids gathered around, making us stuck in this ring, fighting.
But as I was fighting, I remember you saying something, something from one of the moments you were angry:
"STOP BLOCKING FOR F*** SAKE!"
Thinking that would make you happier, I stopped fighting, leaving myself open and acted more like a pacifist.
Only, the fighting didn't stopped and I got punched in the jaw and got knocked down, 
The person I was fighting got on top and started whaling on me, until a teacher broke us up.
Though nothing was done about it and I think I ended up getting more picked on because of it.
As I was walking home today, I began to start limping, feeling weak in the legs.
I started hearing rain fall and I started limp running into an area where I could hide.
As the rain poured down and I tried to hide, I kept thinking over and over...
Mommy, Do you still love me?

You know what I am right? The fangs, the eyes and the wings I barely show.
You and you partner (I refuse to call him daddy when thinking about it because he's so detached) first found it and freaked out.
I remember tasting garlic for a while in my food, and I took baths in this weird water.
Though there you saw my legs becoming a blue fish tail, and was even more shocked.
I think around the time the kids came home, you started acting differently.
For a while, I was prevented from going near them, and even became stuck in my room.
And then the thunder happened...
Now that I think about it, while the rain is pouring and I laid on the mud soaked dead end with my tail hanging out right now,
Are you sure, are you positive
That you still love me?

There are these moments of kindness, but I can't quite remember them.
The most I can remember was pain, anxiety, and feeling like I'm in a prison.
My head doesn't think right anymore, there's these dark clouds in it,
A cold chill runs down when I think about family gatherings,
I've stopped drinking blood but I often get so weak I drink my own,
I show only happiness, because I think no one else wants to see anything but happiness...
My heart aches every time though, it gets easier but the pain is still there...
It's getting harder though...
The more I think about it...
The more I remember...
I just think...
Mommy?...

...

Mommy??...

...

...

...

MOMMA!!
WHY! Why do you treat me like this?!
I keep trying and TRYING and if feels like NOTHING makes you love me!
I just want a mommy again!
I just want a daddy again!
But this doesn't feel like a family!
IT FEELS LIKE HELL!
I JUST FEEL PAIN! I JUST KEEP FEELING THIS SUFFERING!!
I haven't felt a warm hug in ages, not even a little kiss on the forehead,
Not even ACKNOWLEDGEMENT when I just need someone to talk to.
And right now, it just feels like how I've always felt inside...
Cold, depressed, curled up, and feeling so alien from everyone else.

All I ask...
ALL I ASK!
Is to just feel loved again,
All I want is to feel that warm hug I use to feel before I was adopted,
ALL I WANT is to be surrounded by kindness,
by people who will treat me like family,
I DON'T WANT TO BE SOMEONE'S STRESSBALL!
....
So...
Mommy...
do...
do you still love me?
...
if...
if not...
...

please...
just...
please...
please, love me...